- What is the difference between a Motorcycle and a Vacuum Cleaner? ... A vacuum cleaner only holds one dirt bag
- One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
- A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
- I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free cat.
- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
- Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
- Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "dam."
- If a married couple from Alabama moves to Wisconsin, then gets divorced, are they still brother and sister?
- Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
- Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.
- Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
- The game is 90% mental. The rest is in your head.
- My wife's credit card was stolen but I had not noticed because the thief was spending less than my wife did.
- I have not yet begun to procrastinate!
- "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts".
- Always give 100% at work..... 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Fridays
Things Oly Women Understand
- Free Puppies: Half Cocker Spaniel, half sneaky neighbor dog
- FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME.
- Nordic Track $300 - Hardly used, ask for Chubby
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE ESTROGEN ISSUES.
- Cats' facial expressions.
- The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
- Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
- Fat clothes.
- Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
- The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
- Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
- Eyelash curlers.
- The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number one thing only women understand:
- OTHER WOMEN
Women's T-Shirt Sayings:
- Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
- You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
- The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
- Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
- You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-****."
- Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
- You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
- You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
- You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
- The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
- Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
- Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
- Please don't make me kill you.
- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
- All stressed out and no one to choke.
- I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
- How can I miss you if you won't go away?
- Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
- Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
- I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
- A few clowns short of a circus.
- A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
- The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
- She's been that way ever since someone dropped a house on her sister.
- Too much yardage between the goal posts.
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
- Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
- How come abbreviated is such a long word?
- Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
- Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
- Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
- Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
- How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
- How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
- Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Things You Never Say to a Cop
- WOODY: "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." NORM: "I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
- SAM: "Whatcha up to, Norm?" NORM: "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
- SAM: "How's life treating you, Norm?" NORM: "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
- SAM: "What's going down, Normie?" NORM: "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
- WOODY: "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" NORM: "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
Things a Southerner Will Never Say
- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
- Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
- I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
- Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
- Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
- Duct tape won't fix that.
- Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
- We don't keep firearms in this house.
- Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
- You can't feed that to the dog.
- Deer heads detract from the decor.
- I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
- I've got it all on a floppy disk.
- She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
- Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
- Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
- Elvis who?