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What is the difference between a Motorcycle and a Vacuum Cleaner? ... A vacuum cleaner only holds one dirt bag
One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free cat.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "dam."
If a married couple from Alabama moves to Wisconsin, then gets divorced, are they still brother and sister?
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
The game is 90% mental. The rest is in your head.
My wife's credit card was stolen but I had not noticed because the thief was spending less than my wife did.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate!
"Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts".
Always give 100% at work..... 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Fridays

Newspaper classifieds:

Things Oly Women Understand

Cats' facial expressions.
The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
Fat clothes.
Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
Eyelash curlers.
The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number one thing only women understand:
OTHER WOMEN

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE ESTROGEN ISSUES.

Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-****."
Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Women's T-Shirt Sayings:

Wrightisms (Steven Wright)

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Normisms

WOODY: "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." NORM: "I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
SAM: "Whatcha up to, Norm?" NORM: "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
SAM: "How's life treating you, Norm?" NORM: "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
SAM: "What's going down, Normie?" NORM: "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
WOODY: "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" NORM: "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

Things You Never Say to a Cop

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

Things a Southerner Will Never Say